i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
