I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
