I am spending my child support on dildos
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize