theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize