i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
