i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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