question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
