Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
