Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
