i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
handjob tips. give me some.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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