and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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