OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
