i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
