Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
