I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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