now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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