Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
