i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
