made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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