Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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