from now on my penis is your penis
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
