I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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