Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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