allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
