On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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