When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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