there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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