life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize