Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
