Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
