the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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