you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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