I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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