How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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