i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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