It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
