I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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