Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the day after is always just damage control
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
