I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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