I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
