i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize