The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
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