Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
