i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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