(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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