I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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