he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
