so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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