Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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