I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
