I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
