Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
