I hate your face
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
