I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
