It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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